


hopeful hopeless

by chanbaeknchill



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, How Do I Tag, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, a gnome, flo please help me im serious, i am what i am, i hate you lol, i just love minhyuk and changkyun man, i miss jooheon in this one my bbboyfriend feels arent satisfied, jk I love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24479716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanbaeknchill/pseuds/chanbaeknchill
Summary: Minhyuk always managed to let Changkyun feel the strangest things, though hope was the one thing Minhyuk never managed to let him feel before.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Minhyuk
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	hopeful hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> theres a very vague mention of suicide/death. 
> 
> lol rip  
> Flo i hope you're happy now *glares*  
> Nina... hi have fun *suffers*

It’s been one and a half years, such a long time apart, but now Minhyuk was sitting right next to Changkyun on the bed they used to share several times a week and Changkyun felt like vomiting. This was a lot for him. It was a big deal to have his ex-boyfriend visit him after they haven’t talked in such a long time and it felt like this reunion tore open all the old wounds which he thought already healed but haven’t yet. He was shaking, anxiety taking control of his body as he realised that the other wanted to talk to him, wanted him to share his thoughts and feelings and he was so scared. He felt ashamed for how he was, for the time after Minhyuk left him because he was absolutely miserable and right now? Well, at least he would take showers regularly instead of wasting away in his own filth crying and not being able to eat properly for months. Depression really consumed and wrecked him back then. It already started way before Minhyuk and him broke up. His behaviour changed altogether, but the worst part was how he started reacting differently to the one he loved the most. Minhyuk had a really bubbly personality. He smiled a lot, had so much fun doing anything and never had trouble cheering anyone up. Generally, he had a quite positive outlook on life and despite the fact that Changkyun had always been pretty much the opposite of him they still got along well. So well that one day they started developing feelings for each other and even dared to express them to one another. It was a dream coming true and their relationship blossomed over a rather long time. Both of them were shy at the very beginning, for Changkyun that never really changed, but for Minhyuk’s part, well, he changed a lot. He grew comfortable around Changkyun and never missed an opportunity to make the other feel special, to show off their love, but Changkyun was still stuck in the same mindset as before; shy, insecure, embarrassed. All of that wasn’t really a deal breaker for Minhyuk. He understood and appreciated their differences and loved how cute and small his boyfriend was, not only physically. Yet, that part of their interactions seemed to grow as a problem once Changkyun’s depression started to take over his life. Less time for Minhyuk, less affection, hell, less feelings altogether. He felt like he was losing hold on reality, spent most of his free days home and wouldn’t go to school as regularly as he used to. Gradually, his condition worsened and at some point Minhyuk was too hurt and too blind to even realise what was happening to his lover. Maybe, his insecurities still caught up to him. He felt unworthy of Changkyun’s love sometimes and in that period of time it peaked. He started to believe that Changkyun was doing all of this on purpose and since the latter wouldn’t really talk to him or answer his messages either, Minhyuk had no idea what the hell was going on in Changkyun’s life. He felt lost and alone and, as selfish as it was, he didn’t know better at the time. Changkyun was too busy with himself, with the simple act of existing and he was using all his remaining strength to go to school so he wouldn’t lose hold of his education and soon to be graduation. He had to survive until then. He didn't know what to expect from his life afterwards, but he didn't care about it.All he could hold onto and think about was finishing school, nothing more.  
So, slowly but surely the two were drifting apart. Both more or less unaware of what the other was struggling with, not sure how to talk about it. Especially Changkyun wasn’t able to put in words whatever was going on. Everything was so foggy and Minhyuk was tired of it all. He tried to approach the other multiple times, asked him about what he was doing and how he felt, but things always ended up with the two fighting. It was ridiculous, but neither of the two realised at that time. Now? Everything was different. Changkyun was well aware of his mental illness and Minhyuk educated himself after many of his friends voiced their concern. Without them, he would probably still believe that Changkyun was just a selfish asshole who put education and his future life above their relationship although it was part of his life, too. He felt so stupid and guilty for it for such a long time, but didn’t dare to interrupt Changkyun in any way on his journey of healing, not knowing what the other was up to or how he was doing. He really worried about him and didn’t want to hurt him by suddenly slamming this closed door open again just to find peace but leave Changkyun hanging again. It wouldn’t have been right and pretty selfish, something he despised way too much to act on. He had been selfish before, blaming the other for the mistakes he was part of himself and that was already enough and pretty much uncalled for.  
He really swore to himself that he wouldn’t contact him, would wait for the other to make a move if anything between them was still bound to happen but he couldn’t. Just recently he discovered Changkyun’s instagram through some of their mutual friends and his heart shattered at the view of his ex boyfriend. There weren’t many, just a few selfies of him and it had been a few weeks since the last one was posted, but he couldn’t look at it for very long. Changkyun looked sad, broken, his eyes dead and his lips would never curl up into his so sweet smile like they used to. He felt bad for it, but his initial action was to immediately send him a private message, guessing since they didn’t follow each other anymore it was easier for Changkyun to just ignore his message if he really wanted to. To his surprise though, the other replied within a few days and agreed to meet Minhyuk the following weekend.  
Changkyun could barely control his body. Now, four days later the weekend had come and he was still unable to talk to Minhyuk who was sitting next to him for probably twenty minutes already, patiently waiting for the visibly shaky Changkyun to feel comfortable enough to speak. He didn’t want to force him into any kind of conversation, but he slowly started to feel like maybe he would have to make the first move in order to make it easier for the other to open his mouth. “I don’t want to force you, so don’t speak if you don’t want to. I just want to let you know that I know I fucked up and I’m not mad at you anymore. I never truly had the right to be angry in the first place, but I’ve made a mistake. Right now, I just want to be here for you if you want that. I’m happy you invited me over. I’m glad to see you.” Minhyuk finally pulled his courage together and dared to speak into this pretty awkward and suffocating silence between them, seeing the other shortly glance up at him and just nod in return. Minhyuk understood. He needed time and he gave him all the time in the world. “I’m sorry for the mess in here.” Changkyun then said after a couple of seconds, his cheeks reddening and Minhyuk didn’t understand how this was the one thing he was worrying about. “I don’t mind it being messy in here. I honestly don’t care. I’m here for you and not a clean apartment.” He assured Changkyun who was humming before giggling softly. “That used to be different back then.” “Back then is not now, Changkyun.” Minhyuk said, sighing softly, trying not to sound too harsh in any way. “How are you?” He asked carefully. Changkyun shrugged, his gaze wandering away from his right thigh up to Minhyuk’s face, his lips pressed together. “I don’t know.. It’s weird that you are here.” He confessed. “Are you okay with it though or should I leave?” Minhyuk asked concerned, inching a little closer. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I just thought maybe you wanted to talk.” “I do.” Changkyun spoke with a low voice, his cold and sweaty hand playing with the fabric of his dark grey sweatpants. “It’s just that I don’t know how or about what. I feel awkward.” “You don’t have to say anything though.” Minhyuk whispered, smiling sweetly. “But I want to..” Changkyun whined, a desperate little laugh following his statement. “You are here now and you apologised, yet I can't seem to find any word to express how I feel. I feel absolutely stupid. I’m sorry for what happened, but I can’t even tell you what I’m sorry for?” Changkyun whined, trying to find out whether what he just said made any sense to the other. It did make sense and Minhyuk wished Changkyun would have known that he didn’t have to apologise or talk about reasons or anything related to back then in this kind of way. Yet, he felt like the other needed this talk and he would not reject him when he wanted to express his feelings about something he had no clue about.“It’s fine though, no pressure.” “I’m so sorry that I hurt you, Minhyuk. Really. It’s way too late to say this, but I didn’t dare to message you. I felt pathetic and I still do. I didn’t know what to do, you know?” “Shh..” Minhyuk interrupted the visibly shaken up boy in front of him. His eyes became so glassy and Minhyuk felt his chest tighten at the sight of Changkyun almost crying. “No. I know it’s not a good reason to treat you like trash, but I worried so much about just waking up the next day that I couldn’t handle anything else anymore. At one point I honestly didn’t know how to even survive the next day..?” Changkyun’s voice cracked as he gently slapped his leg in despair trying to explain his feelings from back then and Minhyuk could barely take it. How could he say that it wasn’t a good reason? How could he say that he was pathetic when he was hanging onto life what seemed to be harder than anything else in a time where he probably felt like even just breathing was exhausting. “Changkyun..” Minhyuk’s sweet voice reached the latter’s ears, sending a shiver down his back while warm and large hands wrapped around the one he was using to continuously slap his own leg as he spoke. ”Please try to calm down everything is okay. I mean it. I’m here because I’m worried. I’m here because you matter to me, you mean a lot to me and I want to help.” Minhyuk tried his best to sound calm himself, but his voice was trembling and filled with fear for the one his heart still belonged to. He never truly had the chance to find closure. Too many things weren’t okay with Changkyun, too many things felt off and after learning more about mental health he just wished to be part of his life again. In any way, not even necessarily in a romantic one. “How? You can’t help me.” Changkyun scoffed. “I can’t find a therapist and I feel like everything is going downhill again.” Anger was dominating his voice. He was so frustrated and didn’t make much sense anymore, but Minhyuk kept trying. “But I want to. Maybe, we are able to find a therapist together?” No reply. It seemed like Changkyun didn’t know what to say to that offer and yes, that was the case. He just tried his best to keep distance between himself and Minhyuk, but it didn’t work out as planned. He was tired and didn’t want anyone close to him as much as he longed for affection and care. He felt like he was unable to breathe the moment Minhyuk’s hand touched his own and as much as he wanted to pull away, he couldn’t. God damn it, he adored Minhyuk with his whole being and feeling the warmth of his hand, the soft skin graze over his... It drove him a little insane. “How does that sound.” Minhyuk asked, leaning a bit closer and catching sight of a tear rolling down Changkyun’s flushed cheek. He was finally breaking. “Too good to be true?” Changkyun said, his voice trembling, unable to believe what was happening. A smile bloomed on Minhyuk’s face. “I missed you.” He whispered, once again shifting closer to the other. “I missed you and I want to be there for you. I really do.” Changkyun felt his body heat up. Minhyuk was so close to him he could feel his breath on his skin as he spoke and then the bed started shaking again and Changkyun felt like fainting. Minhyuk’s other hand sneakily found its place on the other’s face, his cheek to be exact and he used it to pull Changkyun’s face up so they would face each other. “I don’t know if you want me back in your life. I just want you to truly know that I am sorry. I did stupid things and blamed you for nothing. I now understand how you feel and I don’t judge you. I don’t care how dirty your flat is or your clothes or your body. It is hard for you and I used to be too ignorant to see that.” Eyes were locked, faces close as he continued. “I used to make you feel uncomfortable with my clinginess and I thought that was why you acted so distant, but up until that point you never wanted distance no matter how affectionate I was, neither in public or at home. I should have seen that something about you was off, but I was an idiot. Don’t blame yourself. You did your best and I am happy about that. You know, I am happy that you weren’t paying attention to me, because honestly? I am so scared for your past self and I still am scared for you now. I am scared because I could have lost you and I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to lose yourself either, Changkyun...” He spoke to him with a soft and calming yet with urgency filled voice, underlined by the strong eye contact they both held. Changkyun looked at Minhyuk with hard eyes, before they turned more and more soft, tears welling up and spilling down his face soon after. He was crying, sobbing loudly within seconds and the sound which escaped his lips left Minhyuk breathless. Pain filled whimpers and cries were echoing in the room as Minhyuk’s arms quickly wrapped around the one in front of him who slumped down and crumbled in the rawest way Minhyuk ever witnessed. He held him close and Changkyun was pressing himself against Minhyuk’s chest, hands clawing his shirt, tears soaking the fabric. Changkyun felt everything crush down on him. The subtle mention about possibilities Changkyun didn’t want to think about, but yet did think about one too many times was killing him inside. He was afraid, too, didn’t know what to do and now that Minhyuk was there, well, he still didn’t know what to do, but at least he wasn’t all by himself anymore.  
Tears kept rolling and Minhyuk was caressing Changkyun's back, hoping that the latter would calm down soon again. He didn't mind comforting him and he felt like this slept within Changkyun for way too long, but he still hoped the other would be done crying soon. It was probably really exhausting and Minhyuk couldn't even imagine the slightest bit how the other must have felt, but he could feel and also hear how all of this was draining Changkyun.  
"Do you need something? Tissues?" Minhyuk asked, his nose nuzzled in Changkyun’s hair as the latter’s head was still pressed against the other's chest. He nodded. "Next to my pillow." He told Minhyuk and slowly leaned back so the other could move to get the pack of tissues, gladly taking the one Minhyuk handed him seconds later to wipe his tears away and to blow his nose.  
Then they just sat there, Changkyun rubbing his nose with the tissue before tossing it to the floor, his head hanging low while Minhyuk eyed him carefully, his heart still aching. "Are you okay?" Minhyuk asked. "Hmm.. I don't know. I guess..." Changkyun sighed, a weak and heartbreaking smile on his face as he looked at Minhyuk who was staring right back at him, his hand once again finding its place on Changkyun's now wet cheek, his thumb brushing over it. Minhyuk wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss him, but he didn't dare to. He didn't want to cross lines and disrespect Changkyun's possible boundaries, but he wished he could just do it. His lips longed for the other's and he wished to tell Changkyun how he felt not only with words but with actions, too.  
What he didn't know was that Changkyun felt the exact same way about him, but the longer Minhyuk looked at him, the less Changkyun thought about anything and the louder his heart was screaming at him. His body felt so warm and although his eyes were still swollen and his nose runny he wanted to smile. He wanted to but he couldn't. Yet, he felt something burn and tingle inside him and for a few seconds he wasn't too sure what was happening within him since he didn't feel that much in a very long time. His feelings for his ex-boyfriend never died and he was so needy for the other's attention, he always was and now after all that time, all that misery, finally Minhyuk was back again. He felt like dreaming, but didn't realise it was partly because of how tired he was from breaking down so hard. All he could focus on was Minhyuk and his hand on his cheek and his beautiful eyes and these kissable lips. He wanted it so much.. Minhyuk wouldn't mind would he?

Slowly Changkyun dragged his tongue over his lips as his eyes focused on the pair so close to his, his head tilting to the side as he leaned closer in trance, attentively watching the other to spot any change in expression. Minhyuk‘s eyes followed every move of Changkyun, but he didn't protest although he thought it wasn't the greatest idea to come this close already. He wanted it so much, wanted to kiss Changkyun and hold him close and pour all his love into his tiny body, but he didn't want to initiate it. No pressure, he told himself over and over again, Changkyun needed space and control over such situations since he wasn't feeling too well. Minhyuk accepted everything and didn't expect anything. It all lay in Changkyun's hands and as long as the latter felt good, Minhyuk felt good too.  
So he ended up closing his eyes, already feeling the other's warm breath ghost over the skin of his lips, just waiting for the sweet sweet moment of their lips finally reuniting. And as it happened, as their lips touched it felt like their bodies were set on fire instantly, their lips tingling with the electricity they both were still familiar with, their worlds reconnecting.  
Minhyuk hummed as he melted into the kiss, his muscles relaxing and his hands wandering to Changkyun's bony cheeks and hair while the latter's were placed on Minhyuk's chest, fingertips gently pressing in flesh.  
For Changkyun the world stopped spinning when their lips finally met. It still felt like it used to if not even better and maybe Minhyuk's lips tasted even sweeter. It was a moment that lasted only a few seconds yet felt like an eternity to both of them. It was a soft kiss, lips pressed against lips, slight movements sending shivers down both their spines, but not in an overwhelming sense. It felt like the pleasant tingles of someone caressing your skin with only their fingertips brushing it or when you listen to some pleasant sounds on youtube and feel goosebumps appear all over your back. It felt amazing and still, even though it felt like an eternity to them, the kiss didn't last long enough. So, after breaking apart, the two ex-lovers dived right back into another kiss, their bodies moving closer and their holds tightening on the other. It only took them a few more seconds to fall onto their sides on Changkyun's fluffy bed with their legs tangled and hands roaming each other's body longingly. Lost in the moment, Minhyuk forgot about his principles for quite some time, but came back to reality shortly after. In a short break, as the two were just gazing at each other breathlessly, lips still yearning for each other and Minhyuk's hands grasping Changkyun's waist, he loosened his hold on him, a soft chuckle escaping his lips once he saw the look on Changkyun's face. The latter was over the moon, his eyes wide as he waited for Minhyuk to move closer again, to let him taste his lips, lose himself in warmth and security, but instead Minhyuk was looking at him with a serious expression, the little smile remaining on his lips but it looked rather sad and it made Changkyun's heart drop.  
"I don't know if this is a good idea." He said with a lower voice, rubbing his lips together before he continued. "I don't know what we are and what we can be and what's good for us. Maybe we shouldn't be that close yet." Changkyun could feel his whole body shake with every beat of his heart and it felt like Minhyuk just drilled a needle through it. He felt rejected, despite the good reasoning behind Minhyuk's words. He still felt like he was broken and first needed to be fixed before he could ever possibly be close to Minhyuk again. It was true and he knew that. He knew he felt extra offended by Minhyuk's statement because of that and so it was pretty hard for him not to act on the overwhelming feeling of disappointment and self hate and start shit with the one he just won back.  
Instead he nodded and hummed softly, his gaze lowered again just like in the beginning when they were just sitting in front of each other, not exchanging any words or gazes. He felt stupid, but on the other hand he was finally and happily smart enough to understand that the world didn't resolve around him and his suffering, but that Minhyuk had thoughts, feelings and emotions just like him. He wouldn't have to make the other feel bad so that he would pity him and he didn't want that either. Maybe he did want it at some point of his journey, but after all this time, thinking and learning about himself even without a therapist to help him, it all changed to the better.  
"Yeah." He said softly back to Minhyuk who placed his hand on Changkyun's thigh in the meantime. "I want to be honest, though. I feel stupid because I want to be close to you.. if you want that, but seemingly I can't, just because I'm not feeling too great mentally?" Changkyun asked Minhyuk, insecurity audible in his voice. The ever growing lump in his throat made it pretty hard for him to speak normally.  
"That's not how it is." Minhyuk spoke up pretty quickly, leaning a bit closer to the other and squeezing his leg to gain his attention once the other looked like he was drifting away in thoughts and doubts. "First of all I do want to be close to you, Changkyun." Minhyuk said sternly, using the other's name to emphasise the seriousness of his statement. "You are special to me and you always have been. I'm just worried. I don't want the past to repeat itself so I want to be careful this time." He said sweetly, a sweet smile on his lips as he leaned in to press a kiss on Changkyun's cheek. "That doesn't mean we can't be close. I simply want us to take our time and not rush things."  
Don’t rush things, Changkyun thought. He didn’t want to rush anything. "I understand." He then said after a short pause, nodding, his stomach feeling all fluffy. Suddenly he felt so hopeful, despite it being so out of his nature. It felt strangely natural thanks to Minhyuk. The latter always managed to let Changkyun feel the strangest things, though hope was the one thing Minhyuk never managed to make him feel before.Hope...Changkyun breathed in and out, trying his best to block out the voice of distrust which became so very loud over all this time of isolation. It was time to let go of that and welcome back the one voice which never failed him. Minhyuk knew best what was good for both of them. He always did. Changkyun trusted him with his everything. After talking things out even more.  
"Do you?" Minhyuk asked, unsure of whether or not the other meant it, but once Changkyun looked up at him with his adorable, sparkling eyes he understood that he wasn't lying before.  
"Yes. Let's not rush things." He smiled shyly, not quite understanding what just happened, not really understanding that he was about to get back together with Minhyuk who actually understood him now and offered him help.  
And Minhyuk didn't feel different. He felt the tips of his ears burn and his cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Seeing Changkyun with so much hope glistening in his eyes which looked so dull and puffy before was like a miracle, was everything he wished for and hoped he would be able to see a lot more often from now on.


End file.
